Do you have repeat themes in your life?
You know, like picking the guy with so much potential, getting sick right before a big presentation or vacation, or showing up late?
Sometimes these themes are so obvious to others around us they may nickname us “fix ‘em Sally” or tease us “You’ll show up late to your own funeral.’
These are patterns we learned sometime, most likely when young, in our life. Habits that almost feel out of our control. Like we get sucked into a vortex that ensures that we are late no matter what time we leave the house, or that great new guy we meet will become unemployed within a month, or that we’ll catch a cold two days before our well-planned trip to Greece.
This topic came up in conversation a few weeks ago with a friend. She asked me if I had any repeating themes. One quick mind trip back in time and I could feel the vortex of my younger years. The shame of feeling like I never get it right.
It seemed that I was missing something that others had. They just knew their next step. And growing up I felt directionless. I thought there was one right job and one right guy, and one right place that would help me feel at home in my own skin. Like I had arrived.
So, when the job wasn’t the dream job, or the relationship fizzled, or the beautiful mountain town was too snowy in winter, I would see myself as a failure once again. The shame and frustration would be unbearable.
I’d wallow in what I felt was my stupidity, which led to even more beating myself up.
It always felt as if there was something great right around the corner. I just needed to get there, and everything would be all right.
…getting up and shaking off the trip down memory lane now…
We all have our patterns.
We all have those threads that pop up, begging to be pulled. Threads that wind and weave through the decades, through relationships, tragedy, milestones, and celebrations.
Even when we can’t see the thread, we can feel it lurking undercover. Mocking us. Waiting to unravel the beautiful image we present to the world.
But here’s the deal. These threads are not real. They are the stories we tell ourselves, interpretations of a situation or feeling we didn’t understand when we were too young to know.
Let’s look back at my thread – the shame of feeling like I never get it right.
When I think back, I can feel this thread weaving back to my earliest memories. I was the fourth of six kids. I watched my siblings grow up and go out into the world. I never thought to ask, “how do you know what you want to be when you grow up?” I just assumed it was something that automatically happened.
In my case, I grew up in a loving home with most things I wanted and everything I needed. I just never felt comfortable asking questions. I was deeply sensitive and emotional. And, like many sensitive, emotional people, I never quite felt like I fit in.
But rather than ask, rather than appear foolish, I acted as if I knew. A simple decision that led to decades of hit and miss, and the shame that came with feeling like a failure.
I was in the middle of a Trauma Touch Therapy session when this realization hit me. (I was the patient.) This story I’d told myself was based on the musings of a ten-year-old.
Messages we internalize as a child don’t have to be abusive or mean to be destructive. (Those abusive messages may be easier to see.) The connections we make between our thoughts and our behaviors are neural pathways that can be hard-wired into our psyche, wreaking havoc over and over again.
Releasing the charge of this message from my body felt like the unraveling of a blanket not properly knitted. The shame that had wound its way around my thinking melted, opening space for me to be curious, ask questions, and explore.
What are the threads in your life? Have you ever explored why you think what you do?
Carol Holguin is a Trauma Touch Therapist™ and Coach, helping women in mid-life align their lives with their values and dreams to create a life that feels authentic, fulfilling, and uniquely their own. For more information, visit https://carolholguin.com.
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