“People may call what happens at midlife “a crisis.” But it’s not. It’s an unraveling – a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re supposed to live.”
Brene’ Brown
Navigating mid-life can be confusing. Just at the time you think you’ve arrived – professionally, in relationships, with parenting – you start to feel dissatisfied, or like something’s missing – is this all there is?
Mid-life is the time to let go of your past. Not to forget or ignore it. To own it, so it doesn’t own you. Why? Because being haunted by regret, or trauma, or mistakes may keep you stuck and lead to more of the same.
Owning your experience without fighting, denying, or ignoring it is empowering. It is freeing. It allows you to be present and to explore both internally and externally without the interference of the past jumping in to call the shots.
So, how do you do this? Honest self-reflection, honoring, celebrating, releasing, and forgiving. These are skills you can learn. Check back here for suggestions, tips, and tools.
Mid-life is a time to explore what you have always been interested in or what may have been more recently sparked and is an excellent way to keep yourself expanding and motivated. Learning creates new neural pathways, replacing outdated coping mechanisms and faulty messaging. Learning and exploring spark more curiosity.
So how do you navigate this unraveling and exploring process?
This is a question I hear frequently. Especially from women who are feeling the pull to a deeper, more fulfilling way of living. These sensitive, intuitive women hear that whisper, feel the nudge to move more intentionally, to live according to their own rhythms. And they often feel stuck between the life they have established – family, career – and their self-directed leanings.
Midlife transition doesn’t have to create a crisis or blow up your life. The shifts necessary for a smooth transition are more subtle. They are small actions that create cascading results. And they are based on your unique experiences, strengths, values, and internal guidance.
For example, if I am dissatisfied with my marriage, rather than jumping to divorce, a smaller action might be to write out what it is I need or want in my relationship and act on one specific area to improve my interaction with my spouse. That one action may lead to more awareness of the challenge, or it may spark inspiration for the next action. But not taking action keeps me stuck in a marriage that is unfulfilling.
Or perhaps I am feeling bored with my job. A small action might be to clarify what I love about what I do (if that is true) and see how I might do more of that specific task. Many a new position or direction has been created by someone stepping up to shine their talents and gifts.
Look at your life right now. What are your challenging areas? When you think of changing the challenging situation, what do you picture as the ideal result?
Now lean in a bit. Is this ideal result in alignment with your values? Do you need to tweak it so that it feels more like you?
Tip: The resolution of a challenge is rarely the opposite of the challenge: A goal aligned with your values and strengths will feel more expansive, and open, and give you more options. If the goal you are identifying as ideal feels limiting or doesn’t have this expansive quality, keep exploring.
For insight into your mid-life archetype – strengths, challenges, how those challenges might manifest in mid-life, and where to start making changes, take the Mid-Life Archetype Quiz.
Carol Holguin is a coach specializing in women’s mid-life transition. For more information about her coaching, please see https://carolholguin.com.
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