2019 was a huge year for me. In April, we moved from California to Texas, into a new home, fulfilling a five-year plan that had extended into six years. Gary and I sat down January 1, 2014 and created a hand-drawn vision plan. We fleshed out a mutual dream to live in a quieter, calmer, friendlier place. A place where we could relax a little more, not feel so constantly driven to produce. A place where we could get to know our neighbors, travel easily, and have space for family visits. In 2019 we brought that plan to life. A dream manifested.
My hopes of getting to know my mom, to spend time with her, and to sew together settled into a lovely rhythm this year as well. For 40 years I had lived away from family, visiting one or two times a year. I had missed family vacations, family celebrations, and time with my parents, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, and great nieces and nephews. Partly due to work or relational obligations, partly due to my own shame and unworthiness issues, I had kept myself distant, breezing in when I could, then returning to my self-imposed exile, feeling sad, but comfortable in that sadness.
In 2019 I aligned with my deepest self, that call to home, to love, to family. I had done the deep work. I was ready. I am now an hour from my Mom, 3.5 hours from my son, 3.25 hours from my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren. I have enjoyed sharing conversation, meals, and time with each of my brothers and sisters, and with their children and grandchildren. I am re-defining myself within the loving arms of my family. And I am grateful to be doing so now. Not waiting. Not missing any more opportunities to love each of them. Not sitting in the regret that comes when you want something, need something, and choose to put it off until it is more convenient, until you have a clear path, or until something tragic pushes you to do it.
In 2019 I married a man who challenges me to live in today, to enjoy experiences rather than things, to be responsible and to go for my dreams. We started dating when we were each navigating divorce from previous partners, eight and a half years ago. (A path I don’t necessarily recommend, as it is fraught with re-establishing self-esteem, finding your own space and sense of self, and processing the waves of emotional backwash, revelation, and surrender of what might have been.) We survived my leaving my job and the mountain of a climb I have experienced in owning and refining my place in this world. We are building a home, a life together that celebrates our togetherness and our individual pursuits equally. A fluid balance that supports the ebb and flow of daily life.
In 2019 I made the decision to end a business partnership. A sad, but necessary completion that has created the space for each of us to find a different route to personal expression, without having to crash and burn to get there. Choosing to work with someone, to share and collaborate, to negotiate and compromise for the mutual pursuit of the mission was one of the greatest challenges I have faced. And ending that partnership, with integrity and love, taught me what is possible when two people truly care about not only the mission, but how the mission is accomplished. I do not regret the time and effort we invested. I cherish the experiences, the laughter, the process. And I have given myself the time and space to let go, to allow the path to bubble up in front of me, to show me what is next.
In 2019 I worked hard, invested in dreams, committed to a life I have been consciously working on for more than five years. I embraced my creative impulses, opened to deeper levels of awareness, and faced self-sabotage intentionally. I made decisions that allowed me to be present, to be honest, and to be clear. And here, at the end of the year, just twelve days before 2020, I am feeling the immense changes, the subtle shifts, and the yet-to-be-discovered potential still to come. I am grateful and I am awed by the moment right now.
As we bring 2019 to a close, I wonder about this next year. I wonder what will unfold from all the 2019 changes. I wonder how I will embrace the momentum of aligning with deeper instincts and dreams. I wonder how I will show up in a world that seems to need my gifts and experience. And as I wonder, I enjoy the lovely cup of coffee, the view of deer grazing in my back yard, and the feeling of contentment that fills me right now.
Tell me about your 2019 in the comments below. Let’s enjoy these last twelve days of the year and feel our way into 2020 together.